QAF Ficlets

I had to write an assessment for UK Government, so naturally I could do nothing but write fanfic and make music videos. My willpower is a thing of great honour, you understand.

So this is the post of a thousand QaF ficlets. The only ones I actually wrote in the last few days are the first two; the rest are old fics that have been sitting on my harddrive for months.


CHINESE TRANSLATION OF 'FIVE THINGS': HERE BY SYN

Five Things That Will Hopefully Never Happen to Brian

1.

"I'm going to kill you," Brian hissed, "slowly and painfully."

"That's no way to treat a customer," Justin admonished. He held up his paper cup. "Do we get free refills?"

"Oh, sweetie, I am so embarrassed for you," Emmet gushed to Brian, but he was eying the menu with interest.

Ted slapped his hands on the counter. "I think I'll have a Whopper, but hold the pickles."

Brian's eye twitched.

"Say it," Ted demanded.

"Would you like some fucking fries with that?" Brian spat.


2.

One afternoon Justin left for work and returned six hours later without any hair. Brian was deeply unsettled by this. Justin was making life-altering decisions and he hadn't even left the loft.

"I got Chinese," Justin called, kicking off his shoes.

"What the fuck happened to your head?" Brian asked, but he got out the silverware.

He was reaching for the plates when Justin announced, "I've decided to become a vigilante bent on taking down homophobes everywhere."

Brian paused, his hand still in the air. "By 'vigilante,' you mean--"

"Vigilante."

He took in Justin's determined expression and nearly bald scalp. "Maybe you should go back to school," he said slowly.

"Will you still support me if I go to prison?" Justin asked hopefully.

"If you do I'm leaving you for someone with more hair and less prison record," Brian said.

"Dammit, I joined a gang," Justin huffed.

"How is this my problem?" Brian asked. He grabbed the eggrolls.


3.

Stockwell's secretary had the gall to wave him in as he stomped into the office, intent on making a scene.

"You're suing me, you fucking bastard?" he shouted.

Stockwell calmly looked up from his desk. "Brian, you're earlier than I thought."

That pissed him off. "If you're going through with this I'll countersu--"

"Wait." Stockwell sat on the corner of his desk, smirking. This whole situation was all a little too Devil's Advocate for Brian. Besides, he was way hotter than Keanu. "I'll drop the suit," Stockwell drawled, sounding bored, "on one condition: I want you to sleep with me."

"I-- what?" Brian asked.

"I've actually been pining after you this entire time," Stockwell said. Neither his voice nor expression changed in the slightest. "Surely you've felt the chemistry between us."

Brian goggled. "Can't say that I have, Jim." This was bad. This was really, truly, utterly bad. "How about we don't sleep together, but you tell people we did? That way we both win."

"But I don't win," Stockwell pointed out. He paused, and Brian sweated. "My lawyer will be in touch, Kinney."

"You don't want to sleep with me," Brian said, mind whirling. "I'm clingy."

"You're what?"

"I don't really do one-night stands," he lied. He tried to think of some of the shit Justin had told him over the years. "I'm looking for a relationship. Someone to spend my life with. True love. You know, the whole exchange of rings."

Stockwell looked faintly ill. "But all the reports said you--"

"Why do you think I sleep with so many guys? No one seems to be Mr Right." Brian was disturbed how easily this was coming out of his mouth, but he'd worry about that another day. One when keeping Jim Stockwell out of his pants wasn't on his mind.

Stockwell stared at him for a long moment, as if trying to figure out if he was telling the truth. He tried to look as sincere as possible -- not an easy feat for him. Finally, Stockwell looked down at the floor. "I'd like you to leave now. This is very embarrassing for me."

It wasn't until he shut the door that Brian was able to breathe again.


4.

The intercom in his room crackled. "Mr Schmidt, you have visitors."

"Lucky me," Ted muttered. It was probably Michael again, bringing with him yet another load of comics that Ted would never read.

But when he opened the door it was Justin and Brian standing there, much to his surprise. Justin looked sheepish. Brian looked annoyed.

Ted was overcome with love. And dread. Mostly dread, really. "Did someone die?" he asked.

"Not yet," Brian said spitefully.

"I brought your CDs," Justin offered. As Brian pushed past them into the room, Justin muttered, "We told Emmet we'd stop by. Brian's been unusually nice to him lately. Something about understanding about losing your loved one to filth."

"Are any of the orderlies hot?" Brian asked loudly, glancing around the tiny room with obvious disdain.

"I've actually been too busy withdrawing to notice," Ted replied dryly.

"Got any drugs on you?"

"Brian," Justin snapped. He waved his arms. "Rehab!"

"What?" Brian seemed genuinely confused. "Don't they ever give you some to ease your symptoms?"

Ted could feel a headache coming on. "You know, guys, I think it's time for my spongebath."

They left quickly after that.


5.

The morning after Stockwell's defeat Brian woke to someone banging on the loft door. He climbed over Justin, hastily pulled on his jeans, and opened the door, ready to kill whoever was behind it.

"Hey," Michael said. He walked in, Hunter the hustler trotting behind him.

"What the fuck are you still doing here?" Brian asked. He wasn't awake enough for this. "I thought you'd left the Pitts."

Michael scratched the back of his neck. He was still wearing the same clothes from last night. "We made it to the border when we realised it probably wasn't such a great idea. So... Hunter needs to crash here for a while."

Hunter beamed at Brian. "I fucking think not," Brian said.

"Please?" Michael pleaded. "He can't stay with us because of the cops, he can't stay with Mel and Linds because of Mel being pregnant, he can't stay with Ma because she doesn't have any money--"

"I don't have any money," he pointed out. But Michael's eyes were wide and tear-filled and, dammit, he always managed to get himself into these messes. "Just for a few days," he warned. "After that he's your responsibility."

After Michael left, Hunter sat at the bar and just smiled. Then he noticed how empty the loft was. "Fuck, you don't even have a TV!"

"You'll have to amuse yourself," Brian said, rubbing the bridge of his nose.

Justin, wearing sweats, padded down to the kitchen. "It's a good thing you don't have a job, or else you'd have to find someone to watch the kid all day," he cackled.

"Why are you still here?" Hunter demanded.

Justin just raised an eyebrow and reached into the fridge for the guava juice.

"He's your boyfriend?" Hunter shrilly asked Brian. "I can't believe you're dating a rentboy!"

"He's not a rentboy," Brian said.

Hunter looked at Justin. "You're not?"

"Yes, I am," Justin said.

Brian smacked him on the back of the head.

"I was," Justin continued, his expression sombre. "But I gave it up for true love."

"Wow," Hunter breathed.

"Oh my God," Brian moaned. He grabbed his bottle of Jim Beam off the counter and climbed back into bed.

"Brian doesn't like me to talk about my former life as a prostitute," he heard Justin say.

"This is just like a movie," Hunter said dreamily.

***


Untitled #1

I really want to do that Save the Children challenge on a fic where Brian tells Justin he loves him, just because I think it has potential for great hilarity. Sadly, I'm too afraid to actually go to bjfic.net while I'm at uni, so I just wrote my own.

***

The problem with telling Justin he loved him wasn't telling him he loved him. It was actually telling his friends he loved him. Which they already knew, so Brian didn't really see what the issue was. Okay, well, there was that whole I-don't-believe-in-love thing, but really. Drama queens, the whole lot of them.

As usual, when the seasons changed over from winter to spring, Justin became sick. The first year they met Brian hadn't known how to handle this, so he had left him on Debbie's doorstep and came by a few days later when the kid was healthy. The second year he had panicked and fucked a few guys, but that pretty much described every situation that year. This time Brian had vowed to actually attempt to help, but when all Justin did was lie there and sniff depressingly, Brian had decided to give moral support from outside.

"You're an asshole," Justin moaned over the phone. "I could be dying. At least bring me some soup."

Brian signaled Debbie, but, to Justin, said, "I'm not wasting money on something you're just going to drip in."

"Aw, is Sunshine still sick?" Debbie cooed loudly, ruining his surprise. Brian glared at her until she bumbled over to the next table.

Justin was gleeful. "Aha! I knew it." He sniffed, and his voice became smoopy. "I love you."

"I'm hanging up before you pass out," Brian replied. He paused, weighed the pros and cons, and then finally sighed, "Love you too, twat."

Across the table, Michael choked on his sandwich. Ted slapped him on the back.

"Did I just hear what I think I heard?" Emmett asked.

"We heard it too," Ted said. He wrinkled his brow. "Isn't this one of the signs of the Apocalypse? First it rains fire, then Brian tells Justin he loves him?"

Brian opened his mouth to reply, but then Debbie came back. "Who told who he loved him?"

"Brian told Justin he loved him!" Em clapped his hands together, excited.

"Oh my God!" Deb shrieked.

Michael looked at him with wide, tear-filled eyes. "I'm so proud of you," he whispered.

They all looked Brian like they expected him to say something profound and meaningful. Instead, he he flipped open his mobile and dialed Justin.

"We have to break up," he said as soon as Justin answered.

"Not today," Justin said. "I'm sick. And don't forget my soup."

***


Untitled #2

This is more of a sketch than a real fic.

***

Melanie gave birth to a healthy baby girl at approximately 1:59 am on a Friday evening. Or Saturday morning, rather. Brian would have much rather been out at dancing at Babylon, or drinking at Woodys, or, hell, tweezing his eyebrows at home than sitting in the waiting area through seven hour of labour. Especially since he had heard Michael's screams this far away from the actual delivery room.

By the time the entire gang was allowed in the room to see the baby, Melanie looked exhausted, Lindsey looked proud, and Michael looked on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

"Everyone, this," Melanie introduced, holding up a small, pink creature, "is Mary Novotny-Peterson-Marcus."

Melanie seemed so pleased. Brian blinked down at the baby -- she was fast asleep against her mother's bosom -- and nearly had to physically restrain himself from saying something. Little baby Mary was absolutely hideous. Gus had never looked like that, Brian was sure.

He figured all parents thought that about their own kids, until he glanced at the rest of the gang's faces. They were all obviously trying to hide their horror.

"What the shit is that?" Hunter asked. Ben smacked the back of his head.

"Isn't she adorable?" Debbie squeaked quickly. She pushed past everyone, all of whom gladly let her. "Let me hold my grandbaby."

Michael beamed at Brian. "I think she looks like me. Don't you think so?"

"Buh," was all Brian could say. Luckly, Ben chose that time to drag Hunter over, and Brian retreated to the other side of the room where Justin, Emmet, and Ted were standing, all three dazed.

"Is it just me?" Brian hissed.

"No," the three answered at once.

"That poor child," Emmet whispered, and Ted gave Brian a gentle pat on the shoulder, as if he was the one suffering.

It was bad enough getting Mel's gross genes. Too bad the child also had to be ugly. A loud, "You want me to touch it?!" erupted from Hunter, and the next thing Brian knew, Michael was calling him back over.

"Touch my baby," Michael said, looking up at him eagerly. Brian looked at the now-screaming child, then back at his best friend. Michael's eyes narrowed. "Touch the baby, Brian."

Not knowing what else to do, Brian reached out and stroked the baby's hand. Her skin was silky smooth, like Gus's, and she really wasn't so bad, if one squinted the right way...

"That is the ugliest baby I've ever seen in my life," he found himself muttering.

The room went still. Even Mary chose that time to shut up. Michael and Lindsey simply goggled at him, while Mel's face went from pink to purple to pink again. Brian realised he was very, very dead.

"My baby is not ugly," Mel said coldly, each word dropping venum.

"Maybe she'll be smart," Justin offered. Then he looked at Michael. "Or, um, at least a very nice person?"

"My baby's not ugly!" Michael shrieked.

Everyone looked away pointedly.

***

"I can't believe you said that," Ben said, as the door to the room slammed shut.

"That was pretty fucking insensitive," Debbie said shrilly.

"I just said what everyone was thinking," Brian drawled. It was probably a good idea to pretend that he had meant to say the baby was ugly. Debbie scowled at him, and even Vic seemed annoyed.

"All babies are beautiful," Ben insisted, crossing his arms over his chest.

"What the fuck *ever*!" Hunter exclaimed. "That looked like something out of a horror movie. I was afraid it would kill us all!"

As the group started to disband, Emmet and Ted both tossed Brian sympathetic looks.

Justin slipped his arm over Brian's shoulders. "Gus is so, so, so much better-looking," he said quietly.

Brian raised an eyebrow. "Thank God both Lindsey and I are hot. At least we finally have confirmation now that Mel's not human."

***

As usual, their fucking was interrupted by a loud banging. Justin groaned and loosened his legs around Brian's hips, and Brian swore he would kill whoever it was behind the door. He pressed his forehead against Justin's chin. "Just give me two minutes," he muttered, and Justin exclaimed, "Excuse you?" But the knocking persisted.

"Hey," Hunter leered, as Brian leaned against the now-open door and resisted the urge to hurl himself down the stairwell.

"What do you want?" he snapped.

The kid coughed and looked at the floor. "Can I, um, stay here tonight? Michael and Ben are with the baby. Again." He turned wide, watery eyes on Brian. "I haven't eaten in two days."

"Oh, fuck me," Brian said.

Hunter opened his mouth, but Justin stuck his head out of the bedroom's opening. "I find it hard to believe Ben hasn't fed you," Justin accused, pulling on a pair of sweatpants.

Hunter sniffed loudly. "Okay, fine, I'll go find some nice old man to blow. Maybe he'll buy me dinner, if I ask nicely..."

Brian pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes until he saw stars. "You sleep on the couch. You don't touch me or Justin or my--" He started to say "things," but then he remembered he didn't own anything but a bed and several large pillows. "My, uh, personal belongings."

"Brian!" Justin shouted, as Hunter said, "What the fuck happened to all your stuff?"

***

Brian was just settling into a nice, hot shower when Justin grabbed the loofa threateningly. "I'm not fucking you when Hunter's here."

"We fuck in the backroom at Babylon all the time," Brian pointed out.

"Yeah, but we don't have to see those guys in social situations. Plus, Hunter's creepy. I don't like the way he looks at you."

He wanted to say something about teenagers and stalking, but Justin didn't seem to be in a good mood.

The bathroom door opened, and he could see Hunter's outline through the shower glass. "You two don't have any food either. What the shit is guava juice? Is it a laxative or something?"

"Hello, naked," Justin pointed out.

***

"Brian, Justin's calling again. Something about Hunter making fun of his, and I quote, 'big head.'"

"Tell him I've flung myself into traffic."

***

Brian expected to come home to two dead bodies. They should have both killed each other during the day while he was at work. Justin could be a violent little bugger when he wanted to, and Hunter probaby had skills from the streets.

Only, when he opened the door, he found the two of them watching cartoons and chattering loudly. They both looked over their shoulders at the sound of the lock.

"Why are you still alive?" Brian asked.

They shared identical glances.

"Hunter's actually really cool," Justin admitted.

"Justin rules," Hunter said.

Brian decided the universe hated him.

***


Untitled #3

(stuff happens, then...)

He opened the fridge, but all it contained was tubs of Brian's expensive French moisturiser. Justin's stash of cookies and cream icecream, which had been hidden behind Dior's Night Mask and Estee Lauder's Intensive Night Eye Cream, was suspiciously missing. The last time his icecream had been missing Brian had told him it had expired, although Justin could have sworn had only bought it the day before.

He spotted Brian's keys on the counter, and his shoes were sitting by the door.

"Brian," he shouted. "Are you here? We don't have any food."

He peered into the bedroom, but it was empty.

He slid open the bathroom door. "Brian--"

Brian was sitting on the toilet, eating a carton of icecream. Justin goggled. Quickly, Brian tossed it into the loo and slammed the lid down. He glared, but the effect was ruined since he had icecream smeared all over his mouth. "What?"

"W-was that my cookies and cream?" Justin asked.

Brian glared harder. "No."

Justin stared. "That is my icecream. Brian!"

"It's a new moisturiser," Brian protested, wiping his face with a towel.

Justin raged for a few minutes, stomping round the loft, before he decided on the best punishment. Brian, meanwhile, had slinked out of the bathroom and was now sitting on the edge of the bed as if nothing had happened.

"You have to go shopping," Justin said.

"I don't fucking think so, Sunshine."

"You'll go to the grocery store, or I'm going to call all your friends and tell them how much you weigh." His eyes narrowed dangerously. "Beginning with Ted."

"You wouldn't dare," Brian sneered. Raising one cool blond brow, Justin pulled out his mobile. A cold bead of sweat slid down Brian's spine. "Justin," he warned, raising his hands, "put down the phone. Don't do anything crazy."

(Okay, so I never actually made it to the actual grocery store. I think someone else wrote Brian secretly eating Justin's icecream, so they beat me to the punch. Plus I was being deported from Germany. I think my excuse is valid.)

***



I wanted to write a fic where Brian was at work:

***

Vance threw the ruler at Brian. He dodged it, and then stared at Vance like he was insane. "You were supposed to catch it," Vance said.

"I do not catch," Brian said.

"He's gay," someone behind him whispered loudly.

***

But alas. It wasn't meant to be. I also wanted to write one where Justin calls Brian so much that Cynthia just puts him through as 'Mr Taylor is calling about the so-and-so campaign,' and eventually Vance says, "You know, Brian, I do realise that 'Mr Taylor' is your boyfriend. You can just say you want to talk to him. I'm not going to get angry with you. I might fire you, but I won't be angry with you."

***


Untitled #4

"I'm thinking of breaking up with Justin," Brian said.

The others stared at him.

"Are you insane?" Ted asked.

"Are you blind?" Em demanded.

"Are you really?" Michael asked eagerly. "I mean, uh, do what you think is best, Brian."

Brian stared at his coffee. "I'm not made for this relationship shit," he confessed.

He had expected his friends to explode in outrage, but instead Ted and Emmet both sighed, and Michael frowned.

"I guess breaking up ruined their schedule," Ted told Em.

"Our what?"

Emmet propped his chin up with one hand. "Hmm, Teddie has a point. You two attempt to break up at least once a year. It's not even shocking anymore."

Brian was speechless.

"I think this is the part where you fuck some random guy and then feel bad about it later," Michael whispered loudly.

"I-- but--" he sputtered.

The door sounded, and Justin strolled in. He grabbed the stool next to Brian. "Hey."

"Hey," everyone replied, save Brian.

Brian knew he must have had an odd expression on his face, because Justin cooly raised a blond brow and asked, "What were you guys talking about?"

"Do you want to move in with me?" Brian asked without thinking.

Justin's other eyebrow raised the meet the first. He looked over Brian's shoulder at their friends. "Huh?"

***

altricial actually came up with a funnier version of this:

Justin: Are we breaking up?
Brian: We can't. -.-
Justin: ...We can't?
Brian: Well, I can't, you can break up alone if you want.
Justin: ...Um.
Brian: Fucking twats, I'll show them schedules.

***




I had wanted to write a Michael/Hunter fic, because I have weird ideas of what's hot, but I only got as far as this:

***

Justin had been minding the comic store for six days, seven hours, and forty-two minutes before Michael and Hunter stumbled back in from their impromptu vacation.

"It's a good thing I had a key to this place," Justin said. "Otherwise it would've stayed closed the entire time you were gone."

"Yeah, I'll remember to assign someone to keep up the place next time I go running from the law," Michael said sarcastically. He shrugged off his coat, and Hunter shot Justin a look before disappearing in the back.

(stuff happens)

"Michael," Hunter practically purred.

"What's going on?" Justin asked slowly.

Michael gulped. "Uh, nothing. Nothing at all."

He goggled. "You fucked Hunter, didn't you." It wasn't a question.

"Shhh!" Michael hissed. "Don't announce it to the whole world, okay?"

"That's sick and wrong," Justin said. He wondered if Brian would freak out. Hell, who cared what Brian thought; Ben would probably kill himself. Which was a shame, because Justin really liked Ben. A lot more than he liked Michael, at any rate.

A crash sounded from across the store. They both looked over at Hunter, who was bobbing his head wildly to the music. He held an issue of The Rage in his hands and spun around in a pathetic little dance, not noticing the pair staring.

"Wrong," Justin repeated.

(more stuff)

(end)